Jerry, you need to find god
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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