Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
