Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
