im having a threesome with these popsicles
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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