Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Farmville is her only friend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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