you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
