decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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