If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
