Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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