If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
