some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My vagina is very pro this idea
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
