I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My feet surprised me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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