I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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