It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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