Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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