standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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