Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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