we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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