He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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