my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
