My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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