Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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