I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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