I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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