I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
