I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
