i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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