Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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