Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
