just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
