Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
