Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
