just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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