So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
