You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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