I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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