OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize