Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
