So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
