I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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