Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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