Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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