So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
