It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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