Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
