I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
