i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
