make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
