Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
