nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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