why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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