I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
