By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
COCAINE IS GR8
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
