I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
