Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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