Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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