there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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