everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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