her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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