We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i think my cat just said my name.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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