Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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