so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
