my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
