nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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